Friday, August 17th, 2012 – The Day He Died
Friday, August 17th, 2012 – I’m told that’s the day you died.
You were my birth father, the man who contributed the sperm
That began my life and the lives of seven other precious babies
Babies who survived to adulthood through no nurturing from you,
Through no support, no loving touch or word or deed — eight
Innocent souls you abused and then threw away; your children.
We who survived in our own broken fashion, in spite of you.
What is your legacy— what did you leave us, your children, to
Remember you by?
Memories; memories no child should grow up remembering.
Being grateful there was peanut butter in the house so that
We could eat that day; rationed to make a small spoonful
A meal. Finding a few crackers made a wonderful dessert.
To this day, we all think that we’re starving if there’s no
Peanut butter in our cupboard, even when we have food
In our pantries and our stomachs are full.
You provided for us so well that hunger taught our oldest
Brother to steal apples, and food from the store; so that on
A good day we had something to take to school for lunch—
What a wonderful gift to give your little boy, your son, trying
Valiantly to take care of his siblings! But I doubt you were
Thinking of that as you opened each fresh can of beer.
Memories of shoes, wondering if they were indeed a blessing,
when sissy’s were so small they filled with her blood so she
Couldn’t walk; when our little child feet became deformed and
Too painful to bear even our own slight weight; and yet we
Didn’t dare remove them and walk barefoot, in case we couldn’t
Put them back on— sure excuse for swift and brutal punishment.
Huddled in the one bedroom we all shared, not daring to make a
Sound; silent anguish vibrating with each crash from downstairs
Every scream as flesh pounded flesh echoing in our young ears
Even through hands clapped tightly over them to muffle the cries.
Waiting in terror, dreading the inevitable footsteps on the stairs,
The ensuing quiet almost more fearful than the sounds of violence.
Memories of innocence lost; ripped from our souls and bodies
That you stole in your twisted lust and desire for domination;
Uncaring of which of your children would be your next unwilling
Plaything. Did you delight in your perverted cruelty as you ravished
Your sons and daughters? Or was your alcoholic haze so complete
And consuming that you felt justified in stealing your sick pleasure?
And then you left, abandoned those you used and abused. I heard you
Began a new life elsewhere— leaving eight small children with a
Mother filled with anguish and hatred— for you and for her children.
Being deaf and unable to communicate might have garnered some
Genuine sympathy, had she not been as physically abusive as you.
Did you teach her that? To resent her own children enough to
Throw them down the stairs— to vent her rage and frustrations on us?
They say you had Alzheimers, which is what finally ended your
Life. I’m sorry to hear that. I’ve seen the ravages of that disease
First hand, and wouldn’t wish it on anyone. I guess in your case
It may have been a blessing— erasing your memories of what
You did with your life; the pain you caused your children. Too
Bad it couldn’t erase ours as well. I’m told you died alone; I’m
Sorry to hear that too, although it really doesn’t surprise me.
Please don’t watch over me from wherever you are. I have enough
Loving spirits who are doing that already— and frankly, all things
Considered, it would just be creepy to think you’re seeping back
Into my life that way. All I wish for is that you somehow find the
Peace you never received here on earth; that you finally learn all
The things you never learned while you were here, and that you
Have regrets for all that could have been if you had chosen to live
Your life differently. Perhaps now you can weep for your children.
I’m sure there must have been a time in your life when you had
Hopes and dreams just like we all do. I’m sorry that whatever
They were, they didn’t work out. And in the end, I do thank you
For the fact that I was born— and that I have brothers and sisters
Whom I love dearly. Even though our siblings were torn from each
Other as children, we did finally get to meet again in our lifetimes—
We don’t have to die thinking that we’re all alone, lost to each other.
That is the one legacy that I will always treasure. Rest in peace.
~ Julie Catherine Edwards © 2012
say the truth, no matter what has to be told. It is wise, courageous and bold. I hold your heart in my arms of my own, and weep for the pain that you and your brothers and sisters lived through at the hand of a black heart. Your own is like that of an Angel and born as a shining one, why into this family; I don’t know. The Light and the Dark often encounter one another so closely, it is frightening to fathom. My love, My Heart and my Ever Friendship and Love to you Dear Julie…Linda
Linda, thank you so much, dear friend, I cherish your words. ~ Love always, Julie xoxox
I’m so very sorry to hear of your loss, and yet here you are, plugging away at your computer! We all grieve in different ways, and many of us have this newfangled interwebby thing to thank for that! I hope you will be having a party to celebrate his life, as opposed to the old funeral to grieve his death, as most parents would want from their heirs,…
Many sympathies, chin up and all that…
Marc, no party, no grieving, and not many people will celebrate this man’s life or mourn his death. That is sad, but it’s a fact. He was a stranger to me; a sad, pitiful man who chose to live his life unwisely and caused us much pain. I’ve healed enough to recognize that I can’t pull emotions from a place they don’t exist … but it is sad. I wrote this for myself, and am glad that I am able to gently close the door on this chapter … thank you for your words of support, my friend, they are much appreciated. ~ Julie
I hope that in writing this, it somehow helps to bring you some peace. I remember believing that when my father died, that it would somehow release me from some of the anguish and sorrow that I carried for all those years; that it would somehow help the pain evaporate. After his death, I was so disappointed, because I didn’t feel the difference. The pain was still there; but honestly, now a few years down the road, with my father dead some three years now, the pain is like an empty echo that rattles up and down my spine now and then, but for the most part, it has faded quietly away, leaving me more at peace than I thought possible.
My hope is that you will find that peace; if not today, then perhaps tomorrow, or in the days that come after. By writing the truth, and releasing your words into the world, you are buying back little bits and pieces of your own story, and as long as you keep doing that, you will find your way to peace. Hugs and blessings on you today, Julie Catherine. Sending love your way. You are not alone. You are a beautiful spirit, and you survived. Your words are the words of a gentle warrior, and you are amazing.
Your understanding and loving words did bring tears to my eyes, especially “gentle warrior” … that means so much to me, thank you. I spent almost half of my life in counseling, working through and dealing with shame and pain – I am as positive as my doctors that much of my spinal problems originate from childhood abuse. I am learning how to cope, to not let my past define who I am today … and to create something beautiful from my ‘tattered and torn’ life, to create my own legacy – one of respect and caring and love. I could not have children, but I hope that when I leave this world, my siblings, my friends, and people I met will remember how much I loved them. ~ Julie xoxox
Julie, I completely understand why you do not feel anything. I think that it will take a while and you will eventually feel great relief. You haven’t had a relationship with him to notice a gap in your daily life. I wouldn’t have a relationship with him either. I think, eventually, you will have enough days of knowing he is forever gone from this earth you will have relief. You will have relief knowing he cannot inflict pain on anyone again. You will know he isn’t tucked away in a corner somewhere hurting someone else or bringing pain to you knowing that you cannot stop this kind of evil, because if you could have, you would have already done it.
Feel relief he is dead and feel no guilt for it. Feel happiness that he cannot live to hurt anyone again. Your story is your story and your feelings are your feelings. If you feel the need to forgive him one day, then that is your story. I have forgiven someone that is long gone, (you read that story and commented when I wrote it) but that forgiveness comes from realizing now it was probably mental illness and probably abuse she had suffered as a child.
Look at you! Look at you in all your happy and positive glory. Look at you that also suffered as a child but chose to not cause suffering. What a blessing you are intact. I too believe that light can shine brightly from darkness and that the apple CAN FALL FAR from the tree.
Congratulations on what may bring a patch of peace in your heart where someone bruised it. Sending prayers and good thoughts, Abbie
Abbie, I am so grateful to you, to know that you understand you can speak forthrightly and say what many would and could not – because I do feel a relief, for just those reasons. And I feel a release, finally, from a sad, pitiful man that I would never choose to be associated with; who brought only pain and anguish to so many innocent lives. I am a survivor; I am lucky to be alive – for a long time I didn’t want to be alive, didn’t think I deserved to be alive … I am grateful that I have healed enough now to want my life back, so that I can create something good and beautiful with it; to leave a legacy of love. Thank you so much for your support and encouragement; that means a lot to me. ~ Julie xox
Having the wonderful father that I do (he will be eighty-eight in October!), I am so very saddened by your lack of a wonderful set of father-memories and experiences! This one pierced my heart, for sure! Hugging you in cyberspace,JulieCath!
Granbee, I love that you have a wonderful father – and know he is grateful to have you for his daughter; that knowledge eases my heart. Thank you for blessing me with your support and hugs today, dear granbee; that is so much appreciated. ~ Love, Julie xoxox
How heart-wrenching to read about the misery of your childhood! I’ve seen too many children who have experienced that kind of abuse at the hands of a parent or guardian, so it is kind of a blessing to know there is one who will no longer be able to harm another child. I’ve shed a few tears for you and wish I could give you a great big hug! You’re so brave to be able to find the words to describe what you went through and I hope it helped to ease your painful burden.
I am grateful for your tears and your hugs, because they are comforting to me, thank you so much. I’m not brave, but am thankful that I’ve been blessed with the ability to write, as it does help a lot. A couple of years ago I would have been in a suicidal depression from this – today I’m grateful to know that I’ve grown so much in my healing that I know I will be okay. The memories are painful, but I can now work through them – and having so much loving support from my friends eases the pain immensely. Thank you. ~ Love, Julie xox
Julie, this heartbreaking–I am SO sorry these despicable traumas were your “normal” life; it is the most evil wrong for children to grow up unloved and tormented in every way. Since I had a generous helping of childhood abuses too, I empathize with you. May God’s healing peace be yours–and also for your siblings, who you’ve been very blessed to reconnect with. love, sis Caddo
My dear sis Caddo, I also empathize with you, dear friend. My heart joins yours in the sorrow of that knowledge ((((gentle hugs)))). You are always in my heart, my thoughts and my prayers – and I am so grateful for yours. Thank you so much; and yes, reconnecting with my brothers and sisters after 48 years apart is a huge blessing to us all. I love you much, girlfriend. ~ sis Julie xoxox
I am so very sorry, Julie. For all of it.
But more beautiful words could not have been written. Peace to you, friend.
Thank you so much, Anjali; your beautiful words give me much comfort, my friend. ~ Julie xox
Julie, It is so sad the many stories we here of the pain (mentally, physically, emotionally, and even spiritually) caused by parents to their children, and sadder still how often it is passed down from one to the next. Blessed be the children who find the strength to break the sins of the parents.
I am sorry you and your siblings had to experience such a sad and painful childhood, that you all carried that through your lives. I am glad you found each other and pray you all find peace in your lives.
Ann, thank you so much for your caring words and prayers, my friend; they are so much appreciated. ~ Julie xox
Hi Julie — I am still tearing up from learning of this abusive traumatic childhood you have endured. As I just wrote you over on my “Maternal Love” post — I know that survival of such horrific treatment by a ‘human parent’ can only be credited to the strength and will that some higher power (Divine, Source, God, Mother Nature etc.) bestows upon us. To be a small child as you were, so vulnerable, so frightened… and to have to find that fortitude – that ability to survive…. it is heartbreaking that some parents fail to nurture and love their own children, and can subject their children to the horror you endured. Bless you dear Julie — you are a beautiful survivor — always know you are taken care of by a force much more powerful than any earthly parent can possibly be. Love yourself and treasure the wonderful, creative, brilliant spirit you are. Much Love dear friend — May this post be healing and bring you peace for each day after. xxoo Robyn
Robyn, thank you so much for your beautiful gifts of friendship and love; they are so welcome, and much appreciated, my friend. The ‘loving and treasuring myself’ is still a work in progress, but I’m getting there … and having such loving support from my friends helps me tremendously in this life journey. I know I’ve come a long way this past couple of years – but still have so much further to go still. I cherish your comments and your friendship. ~ Love, Julie xoxox
Hoping today is lighter and peace becomes you. Yes – the people we meet along the rough roads are like living angels sometimes. Sending you lots of Love today ~ xo R
Thank you my friend … just a couple more days to go. The internment is tomorrow, and it’s a difficult day for my oldest sister, as she will be there. It’s in Ontario, far away from us here in Alberta, but my youngest sister is struggling as well, so I’m trying to be a source of support for her, too. Today is our baby brother’s birthday – Andy passed away in 2007 from pancreatic cancer, just 9 months after we reunited after 48 years. These are emotional days right now, but we’re getting through them. xoxox
Julie…this is so bittersweet of a story….Look at what you’ve done to turn such cruelty and abuse into the beautiful words and poetry that you do. That is the blessing of healing….But I’m so sorry that this happened to you and your siblings as I’m sorry for any child subjected to such abuse….
Keep writing my friend, it will set you free! Much love and light….
Laurel
Laurel, thank you so much; I truly appreciate your caring and support – and know that I still hold you in my thoughts and prayers daily. Sending you love and light also, my friend. ~ Julie xox
Julie…..
I admire you and am very proud of you for writing this and releasing it to the cosmos. It takes such a long time to get to the place where you are having endured such trauma. Indeed, many never get there. I am filled with grief over your childhood anguish, and felt myself reaching out to hold a shivering little girl and her siblings, wishing I could have shielded you from the horrors. What an amazing, and positive role model of a woman you have turned out to be, and my heart rejoices that you have found a creative path to which you so obviously belong, in spite of the smothering hate you went through…. Rejoices because I have the opportunity and honor of knowing someone as divinely inspired and strong as you are……rejoices that you have found a sense of peace and happiness in your life. You are like the little flower that grew in the craggy rock high above in the clouds, finding it’s warmth and radiance in the sun as it shone it’s brilliant face upon you. What an inspiration you are, and what a joy to behold you in your warrior spirit, and in the depths of love that reign in your heart. Surely, you and your siblings, are princes and princesses in the kingdom of love, virtue, purity and strength, and I humbly kiss your hand as I behold the light surrounding you, humbly bow on one knee in reverence to the crown of suffering that you endured and overcome, now the crown of your glory. I salute you, sister, and would be proud to have you at my side in times of trouble, as well as these times of fruitfulness we share here in cyberspace……May the ruler of all love, light, comfort, peace and wisdom continue to guide you and lead you by the still waters of his presence. I love you truly, my friend and sister……
Celeste
Celeste, this comment made me cry …. you give me far too much credit, my friend, although I love you for it. I’m just an ordinary woman, with too many flaws to count, too many poor choices made in my own life, and weary from such a long journey. But I am so grateful that I never lost my capacity to love, and that I’ve been blessed to be able to write and share my voice with so many others who were victims and are now survivors. Thank you so much for your loving words and blessings – I love you also, sister and friend. ~ Julie xoxox
You deserve more credit than I can give you through my words, way more than you are giving yourself credit for, no matter what shortcomings and wrongs you may be seeing yourself in….we are all human……the fact that you do not think you deserve these words, is Just another reason, more proof, that you truly do……
xoxoxo
You are so sweet! Thank you, my dear friend. I love you! xoxox
There is not much more I could add what all the ones before me have already said. Sending you lots of love and (((((((((((((((((((hugs))))))))))))))))))))) dear Julie. xoxo
Thank you so much, Francina … your love, hugs and friendship mean so much to me. xoxox
I also use poetry to work through my emotions, and I have the feeling that this poem is one you will keep and look at again… when you are ready. I have shivers as I read this and admire your courage to share it with us. You help more people than you realize with your words. Take care and prayers to both you and your family xx
Christy, if I could only help one person with my words, share with them what they might not be able to put into words, that would mean the world to me. I read this poem at open mic last night … I really thought I was okay until I actually read it out loud – and I broke down. I wasn’t expecting that. I am so blessed to have such wonderful, loving support, and I will never forget that; I treasure my friends and family so much. Thank you, my friend. Love and hugs xoxox
A very powerful, cleansing poem, Julie. The most powerful and healing line was “Rest in Peace”, for in not wishing him the same dreadful, negative energy that he heaped on you, you are freeing yourself from the grip he had on you. Blessings and Love and Healing, Julie. You have earned it…. Pauline
Pauline, thank you so much for your loving and comforting words; they are so much appreciated. I do feel like I am healing now, although I cried again when I re-read this poem tonight. Bless you, my friend. ~ Julie xox
You don’t know me, but I found this poem and read it. It is powerful and shows your strength. I do understand how you feel and that you send this man away with your peace of mind was a brave and gracious thing. It has helped me cleanse as well. Thank you. Rose
Rose, thank you so much for reading and commenting on this. I am so sorry that you obviously understand too well – but filled with gratitude and comfort that you were able to gain strength and hopefully some peace from it. That means everything to me, and I thank you for the Blessing tonight. May the Angels watch over and comfort you, and may they hold you in their loving light. ~ Julie xox